As my time in the country draws to an end, I’ve been pondering what to write about in this week’s update of The Single Sista. I’ve been pretty consistent so far whilst I have been away, and I sure as hell didn’t want to drop the ball in the last innings!
So I’ve been pondering, and musing, and whilst I have no new dating stories to share due to a serious bout of tonsillitis (I’m sure there are still some winners in my mental back catalogue, but I don’t wanna give you all of those straight out the gate) I did get to thinking about ‘the dating game’ in general.
I’ve spoken a bit so far about how I feel like dating isn’t what it used to be and the whole ‘casual dating’ bullshit that now rules the scene is a ridiculous notion, and that everyone is scared to admit they care enough to actually want the commitment of a real relationship. The aim of the game is ‘who cares least wins’ and the social media or technology element of dating (Tinder, here’s looking at you buddy) and ease of interaction has left many people with this sense that there is always something better around the corner if you just keep looking.
Commitment? BAHHHHHHH; amirite? What if Channing Tatum is just waiting for me out there to come and find him? He could be just one more swipe away!
Whilst I have said that I believe this in part to be the fault of gentlemen and their not-so-gentlemanly ways of current era, I have to also address the fault of those of us on the receiving end. And this works all ways, man-woman, woman-man, woman-woman, man-man and every other binary in between. As a cis hetero woman however, for the time I am going to refer to the following in my own example.
Do I believe that the male species and their heightened aversion to commitment are in part to blame for the current state of dating? You betcha. Do I also blame dating apps and the ease at which we can now access something new? Tick tick. But what I’ve yet to address, and what I also want to shine a light on, is the way that WE as a collective party in these dating endeavours are also culpable.
I think in some ways we have fallen into the trap of thinking that these sub-par dating efforts are as good as it gets, and begun to accept them as gospel. Does that make them right in the first place? No of course not, but the fact of the matter is, that we are accepting the behaviour as okay even though we know that it isn’t what we want, or isn’t enough for us.
I am at the point where I want a relationship. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.
Am I desperately trying to tie down every date I go on? No of course not, because I am not desperately trying to fill some hole, but I am actively looking. But have I accepted less than what I am looking for on the journey to this? Yes.
We need to start saying no.
We need to start saying that isn’t what I want, or this isn’t enough for me.
Yes, maybe that might mean you thin out the field of potential suitors, but it also means that the ones who are left will actually be worth your time.
Or the others will be forced to step up.
And anyone who is worthy of your time will respect your position.
It can be scary to feel like you are limiting your options. And yes, maybe sometimes a guy who is not looking for anything serious can eventually change his mind, but that guy is the exception, not the rule.
If you want something real and meaningful, it’s time to start not accepting anything less.
If Netflix and Chill is enough for you, or last-minute ‘hang-outs’, or keepin’ it cas then power to you babes, that’s fine! But me, myself and I are past that point. I need real dates, I need some wooing, and I need something that is leading somewhere.
So this is my reminder to myself, and to any other gals who want it, if you want more, start asking for more. Start making those guys step up and meet your expectations instead of shrinking to suit theirs.
The right guy will respect that and you won’t waste your time on anyone who’s not on the same path you are.