It’s 11.15pm on a Wednesday night and I can’t sleep so here I am sitting up in bed, writing to try and either put myself to sleep, or just distract myself from the frustration of being unable to.
This last couple of months have been incredibly stressful for me, and it is in times like this that I find myself most wishing for a confidant, a sounding board, a support person to call my own. Sometimes even just a distraction. I mean hell, if I had a person I could be having sex right now as a sleep distraction, instead of sitting here typing; I know which one sounds like more fun to me!
It’s hard in a lot of ways to be single, especially as you start to get older; I mean hell, there was a time in my life when I thought at 27 I would be potentially married and settled down, starting to have a family of my own (cue ridiculous laughter).
But for all the things that can be tough about being single-for what feels like a lifetime, there is also a lot that I am grateful for too.
I know who I am. Like really know who I am.
Now that may sound simplistic, and stupid but hear me out.
When I was 18, and madly in love, I didn’t know who I was, not really; not on a deeper level. Not on the kind of confident, unapologetic level that I do now. I wasn’t sure of myself, I didn’t know what made me tick, and to be honest I think a lot of my value in myself came from having that other person love me.
I know what I want and don’t want now. What I will and won’t stand for. I love myself, and there is no part of my blabbering, hilariously witty, sometimes squishy and sometimes not, occasional drunk snoring self that I will apologise for. It took a fucking long time, and a lot of insecurity and tears and feeling not good enough, but here I am!
And it is reassuring to know that now when I do finally find someone who wants to be in with ALL – OF – THIS, that no matter what might happen I know who I am and what truly matters to me. I’ve grown up and changed a hell of a lot in the last few years, and maybe that makes me slightly intense or intimidating when it comes to dating but you know what? The type of guys who are intimidated by a gal who knows who she is and what she wants are exactly the kind of guys I don’t want in the first place.
Dating is hard enough at the best of times, but dating in uncertainty? Well that is just a recipe for disaster.
I know what I want. I’ve already said it but I’m just going to reiterate for effect.
I ain’t got no time for fucking around. I want the real deal. I want a guy who is going to treat me right and wants more than a Saturday night root and boot, ya feel?
I spent my 20’s exploring what it was to be single, I went out a lot, I played the field (LOLZ), I met a hell of a lot of unique and different gentlemen who whilst none ended up being anything significant, each taught me a little bit more about what I do or don’t actually want in a relationship, and who I am as a person. That might sound ridiculous but its true.
I’m resilient, I’m strong, I’m confident and sure of myself, and 19/20 year old me certainly couldn’t say that. She was great, don’t get me wrong, but she went through a lot of shit since then and came out the other end a hell of a lot more fabulous.
There’s no right or wrong way to grow up and fall in love, I don’t believe that. I’m not trying to say that I am better than anyone else because I spent my 20’s being single. I would have loved to meet the love of my life already and settled down. But that’s not the way it happened. So I just try to be grateful for why my life so far has been the way it has and try to see what has happened as purposeful.
Who knows really, this is mostly just the late night ramblings of a single gal.